I was home.
It had been 3 months since I had spoken from this stage, and I had missed it dearly. So I turned to the audience of 400 college students, blinked slowly to adjust to the lights, and let my smile grow. Home, indeed.
In the past two years, I have spent hours of my life on such stages – with microphones clipped to my shirt, notes loosely gripped in my hand, groups people in ponds, seas, or even oceans in front of me. I have spoken to hundreds, even thousands of people – most of them college students, but others of them gray-haired senior citizens, restless little ones, or poised adults.
And I have fallen in love. I have fallen fast and hard for preaching, speaking, teaching, sharing, expositing…whatever you want to call it, I love it. Give me a microphone, a room full of people, and something meaningful to say, and watch my heart and smile grow approximately 7 sizes bigger.
In some ways, this makes no sense at all.
Am I not at least mildly afflicted with stage fright?
Am I not annoyed with the amount of preparation necessary to write so many talks?
Am I not scared of the inevitable criticism and feedback that follows?
Am I not bothered by other people judgments of my clothes, my image, and my speaking style as
I stand relatively exposed to hundreds of people?
Am I not squeamish at the thought of vulnerably baring my soul on stage?
Am I not nervous about saying the “right” thing?
To some of these questions, the answer is yes. Every time that I have to share a vulnerable story or struggle on stage, I feel a bit sick. Often times, I struggle with finding time to work on writing talks in the midst of a full schedule. And, I think I have a mild allergic reaction to criticism. Preaching and teaching is often hard and scary work.
But at the same time, preaching and teaching has become the part of my life that feels most like me. What do I mean by that? Well, in the past two years, I have settled into myself in a way unlike ever before, and I am so thankful for that. There have been countless contributing factors toward this personal health and growth, but I am becoming convinced that one of the biggest ones was truly preaching.
Preaching changed me.
When I was on stage, I knew that I need to stand tall with my shoulders back…and pretty soon, I
was standing more confidently in real life, too.
When I was preaching, I knew that I need to appeal to a wide variety of folks in my audience…
and pretty soon, I was getting to know people in real life in a way even deeper than ever
before.
When I was holding a microphone, I knew that I needed to get out of the box - meaning I needed
to be a combination of funny, serious, intense, challenging, tender, vulnerable, and
knowledgeable, all at once...and pretty soon, I was getting more comfortable with not needing
a "box" in real life, either.
When I finished a talk, I knew that in order to get better, I desperately needed feedback...and
pretty soon my allergic reaction to criticism began to lessen as I asked for feedback in even
more areas of my life and ministry.
But even more than those small aspects of change in the past two years, preaching is continuing to change me: Because when I am speaking words to encourage and challenge people in how they lives their lives…I am quickly sent to revisit how I live my life, too.
Changing the way that I eat and interact with food? You can thank a talk from Ecclesiastes 11 for that one. Figuring out that God was actually healing me by bringing me through a painful situation? Jonah 2, it was all you. Realizing more powerfully than ever the Creator’s deep love for me? Genesis 1 – a talk I’ll never forget. Coming face-to-face with how often I avoid discomfort? John 19. And the list could go on.
I become more of the person that God is creating me to be every time my feet touch the stage and the microphone is clipped to my shirt. Every time I say “yes” to speaking or teaching, I know that I am also saying “yes” to God doing a transformative work in me. What a terrifyingly beautiful opportunity.
I am just a young woman... and for decades and centuries, young women have not always been given the stage or the microphone. In many places of our nation and world, they still aren’t. But thanks be to God…I, as a young woman, have the privilege of being shaped and formed to be more like Jesus Christ every time my feet scamper up a staircase to a stage.
And so I teach. I preach. I work hard to hone my craft and use it to its fullest capacity. I give thanks. And every time I walk onto a stage, as I feel my shoulders go back, I offer it as an act of worship to God.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.